Confessions of a Chronic Relapser

Never again!

I am a master at self-sabotage and burning my life down just to have to try and rise from the ashes once again. It feels like being trapped in purgatory.

A friend once told me I hold the world record for most day-one alcoholics anonymous chips. It hurt my feelings and was a saucy thing to say, but that’s only because it held some truth.

I have had a couple of year-plus periods of sobriety but lately, I tend to string together a couple of weeks or a month then slip and it’s off to the races all over again. Fortunately, I have not quit quitting and no matter how many slips I have I will always try again.

The sad thing is, every time I detox and sober up it gets worse and worse. The guilt, shame, and physical withdrawal symptoms seem to be more intense every single time and I am not sure how many more recoveries I have in me.

I’m proud to say I am currently sober for ten weeks and going strong. I was hit by a deep depression the last few days but I survived and didn’t drink so I’m very proud.

However, I don’t want to relapse again, it’s terrifying and it’s way too risky, I may not make it back. So I decided to write this article to analyze where I went wrong.

So let’s dive into why I relapse so frequently.

I Get Hit With Episodes Of Depression And Cannot Cope

This is probably my biggest problem. After years of dealing with my depression by using alcohol to eliminate my anxiety and negative thoughts, I never actually developed any healthy coping mechanisms.

Every few weeks I will get hit with a multi-day episode of depression where I lose all hope. It feels as if anything good in my life will disappear or be taken away from me at any moment creating anxiety that I absolutely cannot handle. It completely shuts me down.

Negative thoughts get stuck in my mind and I ruminate on them for days. Every bit of joy I have in those days is followed by an extreme fear of all the possible bad things that could happen to me or the people I love. It is a constant feeling of impending doom.

Alcohol is a complete fix for this problem. It eliminates the negative thoughts and shuts down the rumination. It also makes me very sick, crazy, suicidal, and an all-around asshole but it does stop the rumination. It’s saying something that the depression and rumination is so bad that I’d rather all the negative consequences than sobriety and these negative thoughts.

I Am Comfortable Living In Chaos

As an addict/alcoholic you learn to live with all the chaos that comes along with it. When sh*t is hitting the fan daily you kind of just get used to it. You get used to the bad things happening like all your friends being mad at you, not having a job, and being completely broke. Doing anything you can do to scrounge up enough money to buy some alcohol becomes the new normal.

When the chaos ends, a new type of emotional pain begins. When you take away all that chaos your brain is still looking for things to worry about, it’s used to being on alert with the world closing in on all sides. That was its job for so long, pure survival.

When you get sober, find a new job, have a few dollars, meet a girl, and start to build a life you never dreamed of, your brain starts scanning for ways that all of this can be taken away from you.

Your everyday alcoholic problems are replaced with imaginary and unlikely possible threats that can crumble this new life you’ve begun to build. The worst thing about these imaginary problems is that there is no action you can take to solve a problem that doesn’t really exist. This just puts you in a cycle of rumination, followed by brief moments of relief.

I Forget How Bad Active Addiction Was

After a while in sobriety, you tend to forget how bad it actually was. I mean it wasn’t all bad or I never would have become an alcoholic. The bad definitely outweighs the good but alcohol served a purpose for me, that purpose was relief from my never-ending anxiety.

After a few weeks or months sober the thoughts of slipping start creeping back into my head. My brain starts to convince itself we can try this again, we can have one night off from the stress, have a few drinks and start again tomorrow. The allure of one night with absolutely no stress, anxiety, or rumination is so appealing it deceptively makes me forget about all the consequences that will follow.

This is one reason alcoholics' anonymous meetings are so helpful. You go to a meeting with a group of others who are all at different points in their recoveries. You get an accurate depiction of what that drink or drug is going to do to you if you slip. This is a much-needed reminder.

I Tend To Isolate

For the last few years of my addiction, I have been a solo drinker. It got so bad I eventually became a bed drinker, watching full seasons of shows at a time and only leaving the safety of my shame room for another trip to the liquor store.

I guess I got used to being alone and isolated. I mean I have so much shame I find it hard enough to spend time with myself let alone other people. Years of alcoholism and all the consequences that come with this awful disease will completely rip all the confidence and self-esteem out of you.

When I get sober it’s not like all this damage goes away. Now I need to face it without the numbing of alcohol and it is absolutely terrifying. The urge to hide from society and wallow in your self-loathing is strong. However, this is probably the least healthy thing you could possibly do.

When I analyze my frequent relapses over the past 18 months they have all been a response to some combo of the issues I mentioned above. Unless I find a way to tackle these problems I doubt I will ever remain sober for an extended period of time.

That’s why I am now going to do the opposite of what I’ve been doing. I’m losing my victim mentality and doing whatever I can to save myself.

I’m exercising every day, meditating, going to therapy, and working with my doctor to deal with these depressive episodes.

I’m accepting that I trained my brain to be on alert and see threats everywhere. I am working on radical acceptance, accepting the good and the bad, accepting what I cannot change, and doing anything possible to change the things I can.

I read things I wrote during active addiction to remind myself of all the pain I was in. I go to AA meetings to remind myself that alcohol is never going to work for me. I must always be aware of the negative consequences that will follow if I take that first drink.

Finally, to avoid isolating, I am reaching out to old friends who I cut off during active addiction, in an effort to not isolate and reconnect with people I respect and who are living healthy lives.

---

Smash the ♥ button — If you enjoyed reading my article please like and share your thoughts

Support Me — If you would like to show some support you can send me a tip in the form of a virtual coffee but click here Buy Me A Coffee.