Yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve had in sobriety so far!
Depression returned with a vengeance and hit me all at once yesterday.
Today feels like I have a depression hangover but I’m slowly coming back to life.
I’m fighting as hard as I can to do the daily things I have to do and write a little.
Yesterday, I couldn’t do anything.
I tried multiple times to get out of bed, cook a meal, shave, and get a shower but I just couldn’t.
Almost as if there was this mental block and I couldn’t find the energy to do anything at all.
I spent the majority of the day asleep or laying in bed wishing I could fall asleep again.
I think the worst part of it all was how judgmental I was for not being able to do the things I normally am capable of doing.
I judged myself for not being productive.
I judged myself for eating junk food.
I judged myself for not showering and not being able to get out of bed.
I judged myself for judging myself.
It was neverending.
Fortunately, it's passing now and I am slowly coming around to my old self.
I showered, shaved, ate, and now I’m writing.
It was a battle and my brain fought me every step of the way. However, I do feel a little bit better after all of it.
But looking back at yesterday I don’t think it would have been even half as bad if I didn’t judge myself for being depressed and just accepted it.
Yesterday was proof that some days my mental health will lose the battle and it's out of my control, I just have to get through the day.
So why judge myself for a sickness flaring up? I wouldn’t hate myself or punish myself if my back was bad again.
One bad day doesn’t mean they’re all going to be bad, and I’ve been through this before so from now on I will just try to accept it, live through it, and move on instead of hating myself for it.
This is all I can manage to write as my brain is still very foggy and the fog is thick.
So I just wanted to say that we shouldn’t judge ourselves for having mental health issues because sometimes it’s out of our control and there’s nothing we can do to prevent it.
All the hard work I put in each day lessens how depressed I am but it never truly goes away.
Radical acceptance and not beating yourself up is the only way forward.
If there’s a better way please let me know.
Sincerely,
Patrick
I just put on this Ted Talk about the mindful way through depression, I think it’s about just being mindful of your thoughts and what’s going on so you don’t get carried away with the bad stuff and forget all the good.
I just turned it on but I thought I’d share with you all incase anyone else is struggling.
Let me know your thoughts in the comments
Patrick… I myself have “been there” before in past battles with depression, one of which nearly cost me my life & that was after my mother passed away in my arms from cancer in 1994.
…I felt like I couldn’t & didn’t want to go on but later managed to overcome it. The 2nd was my near fatal car crash in 2014 that ultimately led to me quitting drinking. Getting over depression won’t happen overnight, but with the right people around you & lots of support… You can & WILL overcome depression & head down that long road to sobriety with your head held high ✊😌
When I am depressed I deprive myself of some of my favorite activities. It’s kind of a wake up call. Life itself in our current world forces us to withdraw from the chaos. It’s a protective mechanism and you are recognizing it and leaning into finding what works best for you. It’s a journey.